Breaking Free from the "Shoulds" That Hold You Back
I used to wake up every morning at 5 AM because I thought I should. Not because I wanted to, but because every successful person I followed seemed to swear by early mornings. I dragged myself out of bed, exhausted and resentful, believing this was the only way to be productive.
It took me years to realize that sometimes a "should" is just someone else's expectation that we've absorbed, even when it's not what we truly want.
The Hidden Cost of Living by Other People's Rules
When we find ourselves overthinking and stuck in what we should do, if often comes from internalizing advice from others - their strategies, their blueprints for success, their definitions of what a productive life looks like, without questioning if there might be other paths.
The key question that changed everything for me was simple: What do I really want?
This goes far beyond just morning routines. It shows up everywhere. We think we should network more, should say yes to every opportunity, should work longer hours, should be more available to everyone who needs us. But what if these shoulds are actually energy drains that leave us too depleted to focus on what actually matters?
We need to take a step back and see the bigger picture.
The Productivity Trap
In my case, I realized that waking up at 5 AM wasn't making me more productive - it was making me exhausted. The real issue wasn't my sleep schedule; it was all the other energy drains throughout my day that I hadn't addressed. The endless meetings that could have been quick emails. The projects I said yes to out of guilt rather than genuine interest. The boundaries I failed to set because I was afraid of disappointing others.
Maybe productivity isn't about forcing ourselves into someone else's routine that works for them. Maybe it's about identifying what genuinely energizes us and cutting out what depletes us. And that requires introspection and self-evaluation, for which there is no shortcut.
Where These "Shoulds" Really Come From
Many of our shoulds trace back to childhood coping mechanisms and survival strategies. When we were small and completely dependent on our caregivers for love, safety, and acceptance, we learned to adapt ourselves to meet their expectations. If something didn't feel right in our environment, we never questioned whether they might be wrong. Our young minds made the only logical conclusion available: there must be something wrong with me, and I must fix myself to regain their love.
Unfortunately, this pattern of absorbing external expectations and making them our own doesn't disappear when we grow up. Without intentionally updating this childhood perspective, we continue seeking approval, internalizing other people's definitions of success, and believing that their way is the only way.
The Three-Step Process to Authentic Choice
Breaking free from shoulds requires conscious awareness and a systematic approach:
First, recognize the source. When you catch yourself thinking "I should do this," pause and ask: Is this my expectation or someone else's that I've absorbed? Often, we'll discover that our shoulds come from social media influencers, family members, colleagues, or societal messages about what “successful” people do.
Second, question the strategy. Ask yourself: Is this the only way to achieve my desired outcome? Most goals have multiple paths. If you want to be more productive, there are countless strategies beyond waking up early. If you want to build your business, there are many approaches beyond the one being promoted by the latest expert.
Third, dig deeper into your authentic desires. What do you really want beneath this should? Is the want even authentic, or is it an inherited notion of what I should want, what success should look like? Let your emotions be your guide here. When we connect with our genuine desires rather than absorbed expectations, we find more energy and motivation. We stop fighting against ourselves and start working with our natural rhythms and preferences.
The Freedom in Authentic Choice
When I finally gave myself permission to sleep until 7 AM and focus on eliminating energy drains instead, everything changed. I had more energy for the work that mattered. I was more present with the people I cared about. I stopped feeling like I was constantly swimming upstream against my own nature.
This doesn't mean abandoning all structure or discipline. It means choosing structure that serves us rather than forcing ourselves into frameworks that drain us. It means building a life that feels sustainable rather than constantly fighting against who we are.
Your Inner Wisdom Knows
The truth is, your thoughts and feelings are based on a vast amount of data that your brain synthesizes from your entire life experience. They are valid for your unique model of life. You can build self-trust by honoring what you really think and feel, then deciding what you want to do with that information.
There's no reason to doubt yourself when you're the expert on your own experience.
The next time you catch yourself stuck in what you should do, remember that you have a choice. You can continue following someone else's blueprint, or you can ask yourself what you really want and trust that your inner wisdom has valuable guidance to offer.
What shoulds are taking up space in your head? And more importantly, what do you truly want beneath them?
I designed the 5-Minute Reset, a somatic-subconscious technique to to help high-achieving women like you stop overthinking loops and paralysis and tap back into your inner wisdom fast.
Check it out at www.dream-method.com/reset
